Filling the time.

Entry #8

23/12/2020

It started to feel like Christmas for the first time yesterday. Or, the day before yesterday, I suppose. It's four in the morning at the moment. My brother is home for Christmas now, but everyone is asleep, and it's very quiet. I started my Christmas break last week, which has allowed my sleep schedule to become even more 'messy' than usual. I slept for twelve hours last night, and I didn't wake up until two in the afternoon.

I spent over eight hours today studying. I guess I've been trying to fill my time with something productive, and while I have things to do such as reading and watching new things, starting them is difficult. I can guilt myself into studying by telling myself that I have exams in late January. Maybe it's not the way I expected to spend my holidays, but I'm not unhappy with it, at the end of the day. It's nice to have something to focus on. I like feeling productive, and it's easy to assume I probably wouldn't find myself doing anything else very meaningful if I wasn't studying.


I rewatched Her today, as well. The first time I watched it was in 2018, I believe, with an old friend of mine. I remember liking it, but I also remember hearing him cry whenever we watched it, and not really understanding why it got to him so much. I don't think I appreciated it anywhere near as much as I do now whenever I watched it back then. I almost felt as if I was seeing it for the very first time again. I don't really know how to describe it properly, but so many of the scenes, and the film in general, left me with this kind of hollow feeling. I guess Theodore's loneliness just seemed to be captured really well, and the overall 'tone' of the film was really interesting. The cinematography was absolutely lovely, and the backgrounds in the scenes were really beautiful. The acting was great. This time I found that I was crying by the end of it, too.

I guess watching it was a little... saddening, or even depressing, if those are the correct words to use. The reality portrayed in the film doesn't seem entirely unrealistic; not at all. Some of the scenes were very uncomfortable to sit through again, but I suppose that was because they didn't really feel surreal. They were uncomfortable, and Theodore's situation was so unfortunate at so many times, but it was very easy to empathise with him. Despite the actual premise of the film sounding so strange at first, it was very easy for me to become invested in the story and in the situation the characters found themselves in. I'm really glad that I watched it again. I feel like I benefited from watching it on my own this time, as well, even if watching it did fill me with a rather 'hollow' or lonely feeling. If you haven't seen the film, I really recommend checking it out. While I suppose I might describe it as a little uncomfortable to watch at times, it was really enjoyable to sit through, all in all. There are a lot of things I want to say about this movie, but can't really seem to put into words right now.


I've noticed lately that the person I used to spend the most time with and I really haven't been spending much time together at all. I think it started to happen a while ago now, and I've just grown rather accustomed to it over time, even if I wasn't necessarily very aware that I was doing so. I've grown used to finding ways to fill the time that I would have spent with them, and to watching films on my own, and reading new things without bringing it up to them, and just doing things on my own that I maybe wouldn't have before - not because there are things I don't want to share with them, but simply because the opportunities haven't really arisen naturally.

I think that's what worries me the most about this situation as a whole. The possibility of things starting to feel unnatural or forced if I try to make anything go back to the way it was before. When that happens with a schedule, for example, you can easily change it, or even stop following it altogether - it's a lot more confusing whenever another person is involved. I really dislike it whenever things feel 'off', and while I wouldn't say I'm ecstatic about how things are now, I suppose the word 'content' could fit. I don't want to risk things feeling forced or scheduled or unnatural by asking anything to return to the way it was before. If things stayed like this, then that would be completely fine, at least for now.

Whenever we speak, they talk about the ways that they've been spending their time, and they do seem to do so, rather often, by speaking to and meeting lots of new people. I wouldn't say I'm upset about it, and I don't feel jealous, but it's strange to think about how different things are with them now. While I'm not upset with the way things are, and I'm feeling 'content' at the moment, I can't help but find myself wondering 'will this continue to be important to them?'

I used to feel as if I was constantly growing around them, a lot of the time because of them, and we shared a lot of things about our lives with each other since we spent so much time together. While I think it's healthier that we don't spend as much time around each other now, it makes me wonder what will become of a relationship in which the people involved aren't necessarily even around each other enough to allow for the possibility of making any kind of major 'impact' on each other. It's a strange thought.

I guess I feel apathetic towards the situation for the most part, but I'm a little worried about what might someday come of it, if things remain this way. Thinking about it too much doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere particularly useful, and I don't know how to turn this thought into something that could help or 'better' the situation. I guess I'll just continue to go about my days the way I have been, for now. Maybe things will change themselves as naturally as they seem to have done recently, or maybe this will become a new 'normal' that I'm simply content with.


I've been listening to quite a lot of music lately, which has been nice. Spending time with my brothers has been great, as well - family always seem to make Christmas... well, Christmas.

I also ordered The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, and I hope to read through it soon, as it arrived a few days ago. I like sitting down and reading through books in large chunks, just as I like doing with anything, really. I'll probably try and do that with this book before my Christmas break ends and I return to classes.

There have been a lot of things that I've wanted to write about in the past few weeks. It's five in the morning now, though, and they're not all in my head at the moment. Hopefully I'll write more here soon.

If I don't write here again before Christmas, I hope whoever is reading has a lovely holiday period. I hope anyone that wouldn't want to spend their Christmas alone isn't, especially so since the virus has been making things difficult for so many people. Stay safe.