Removing myself.

Entry #6


It's been a while. Again, I've been wanting to write here, but I've allowed myself to become distracted with other things.

I've been working on that drawing of the cat, and I think I'm happy enough with how it's coming along so far. There have been multiple cases of the virus in both my school and in fairly nearby schools, but I'm still attending classes despite that. It's starting to seem very close and a lot more... dangerous than it did before, I suppose. It feels a lot closer to home, and a lot scarier.

In other news, I've changed my primary operating system to Ubuntu instead of Windows. (Yes, Ubuntu. Please don't bully me.) This was mainly because someone urged me to. I'm honestly very clueless (and useless) whenever it comes to computers as a whole, so it was nice to have them there. It's obviously very easy to use, so I don't have much to say about it; at least not yet.

Other than me doing schoolwork, drawing and playing games, there isn't much that I want to say, so I thought I'd write (or type?) about something else: specifically, the feeling of wanting to or feeling like I need to withdraw myself from relationships with others - something that seems to be making itself apparent very often lately.

Quite often recently, I've found that I've been removing myself from certain things. By 'things', I mean relationships with others, for the most part. I think that this happens to a lot of people, and most of the time it makes sense; everyone has different reasons for feeling like ending things with others, after all. It can definitely be a scary thought, though. I can't really know whether or not it's a 'good' idea to actually end a friendship then and there, how others will react, what will come of it, et cetera... the idea of removing myself from friendships that I've grown used to and treasured in the past tends to be quite daunting or scary. I'm used to them, and getting rid of that and making such a change is frightening. I don't like hurting others. What if I hurt them in the process? It's very often not that I don't care about said people, after all.

I don't know if you've experienced this, and it makes me feel kind of selfish, but... I get quite worried that I'll feel lonely later; that I won't have anyone left to talk to, to keep me company, to rely on. I'll be alone, and it will all be because I decided to remove myself from things.

I usually do think that removing myself is the right decision, though, despite this. For whatever reason I may have, it often feels like it would be better if I just distanced myself, either completely or gradually.

I end up convincing myself the other person would be better off, or that things won't end well if I stay, or I think that something is wrong with the friendship that can't be 'solved', or that I'm being a burden, or something along those lines, and I distance myself until it seems too late to 'fix' the friendship or approach them again. It makes me rather sad to think about all of the people this has happened with in the past.

At this point, I think that I've removed myself from almost every one of the friendships that I used to 'spend a lot of time on', or simply cared a lot about. (Either that, or they've kind of faded out on their own, or grown too 'stagnant' to seem like meaningful relationships anymore.) Rather 'shallow' ones were no exception, either. It's not even that I didn't like the people, not at all - I usually just felt like a burden or some kind of hindrance. I don't think that it's nice at all to just walk into others lives and then walk right out of them. That's not what this is at all.

I would say that I'm, generally, an oversensitive person. It makes me feel like I'm a little too much most of the time, which I think is why I feel so 'unfit'/'unsuitable' (among various other things) whenever it comes to being friends with others - or even being close to them at all. There are many things I know about myself that often make me reconsider whether or not I make a 'suitable' friend. I feel rejected in various ways for lots of different reasons very often, and it tends to get to me and bother me a lot, so in the end, I also tend to simply remove myself from things. I know that how sensitive I can be can definitely make me a burden. I can never seem to find a fix for these things, even upon speaking to said people about what I've been thinking or how I've been feeling. I do always try to talk things out first and look for some kind of solution if I genuinely value the friendship. Again, I'm not trying to simply walk out on people.

I suppose it just comes back to this: maintaining friendships is difficult. I usually know how to try and work on them. Knowing when to and when not to stick around despite the issues that seem to be - or are - present is the difficult part. If issues seem to persist, especially if they seem to arise because of me, it's difficult not to feel like I should simply remove myself from the friendship.

I feel like if I voiced my thoughts on this to others I would seem like a disloyal friend, or that I would seem erratic, unstable, untrustworthy, and things of the sort. It's not that I can't stick around, it's not that I always don't want to, and it's not that I completely 'run away' from things - I'm almost always still reachable in some way, and usually, if an old friend approached me, I would be alright with attempting to 'rekindle' things if I felt there was any value in that. I don't know. I suppose I just don't want to be seen that way. I would find that silly, but I don't think that I am inherently erratic or unstable or anything of the sort, so I suppose I understand why the idea of the people that I care about seeing me in such a way is so unappealing. I enjoy feeling like I'm being a good friend, and I enjoy making others happy. It's just very difficult whenever I feel like I'm being a hindrance, or I feel like I'm incompatible with someone, or I fall into some kind of rut and find myself feeling like an overall 'unsuitable' friend.

I hope that this was at least partially coherent. I don't feel like I've worded or structured this correctly at all, and I'm tired right now, but I tried.

Christmas seems rather close now. I'm excited - while I'm not the biggest fan of the cold weather, I'm used to it, and I really do love Christmas. It always feels very nostalgic and 'peaceful', for lack of a better word. Every year growing up, I've spent it with my family and had a lovely time, which I'm very thankful for. I'm glad that I can associate such happy feelings and memories with this time of year.

That's all I can muster up the energy to write right now. Stay safe.