Schedules and personal values.

Entry #5


I feel like writing here again, but I'm not entirely sure of how to structure what I want to write and whether or not I want to include certain things. I've been thinking about quite a few different things, but none of them are really related.

To begin with, I suppose I'll write about how planning out my days has been going. I've noticed that I've definitely started sleeping (at least a little) earlier, and I've felt confident that I've studied enough for the assessments that I've been doing. I've also been reading more often, which I'm happy about. I haven't been sticking to this schedule properly, or as well as I want to, though. I'm worried that if I don't stick to the schedule that I've set out completely properly, I'll have to reschedule lots of things and move them around and eventually become unmotivated. The idea of rearranging things often seems a little daunting, irritating, time consuming, and simply annoying. Speaking to people spontaneously isn't really much of an issue, since I only regularly speak to one person during my free time. As much as I don't like the idea of strict plans whenever it comes to speaking to people, maybe being very clear about a set time that I want to take time aside and study on my own at would be ideal.

I've been thinking about values. (Personal values, that is.) What my 'values' are, in particular, and whether or not I really make the decisions that I do based on them. It's not something that I've ever really thought about at length before. I don't want to act and make decisions mindlessly, and whenever thinking about that, I suppose I found myself thinking about this. There are a lot of things about myself that I want to work on, and considering my personal values whenever working on these things seems important. I know for sure that I'm forgetful, so hopefully writing about this will help to remind me, and maybe give me a greater sense of accountability.

I'll begin with the values I believe I already consider most of the time whenever I'm making decisions.

To name one, I know that I've always wanted to make the people close to me happy, and to be kind to them in general. I've definitely known that I've wanted to have a positive impact on the people that I care about somehow for a long time now - even if the way I impact them isn't particularly significant, it's something, so I would be happy if I knew that I had succeeded in doing so. I value friendship, and I value kindness a lot, especially so whenever it comes to the people that I'm close to and care about. (Even if I can be kind of stubborn a lot of the time, I really do hope that the people close to me know that I care about them.)

I also value creativity. I definitely admire it, even if I don't necessarily feel like the most creative person most of the time.

I think that I do my best to show gratitude most of the time.

I believe that I'm an at-least-fairly patient person. Maybe that's just because I'm not assertive enough, though, and because I dislike conflict so much. I'm not entirely sure.

On the other hand, there are quite a few things that I believe that I value, but that I don't think I consider enough whenever I make decisions. I definitely admire them, at the very least.

I thought for a long time that I was 'loyal.' Rather recently, I've started to wonder if I really am as loyal as I once thought. What kind of person values friendship and isn't even loyal, right? I don't think that I'm unloyal because I'm 'unfaithful.' Instead, I feel that sometimes I fail to stand up for the people that I care about. I don't support them enough. I don't do it 'intentionally', per se - I simply think that sometimes I'm not considerate enough, and I don't entirely realise how much certain things are bothering people, or that they might actually need or want some kind of support from me.

I admire wisdom, a lot. I'm definitely not wise myself. I haven't experienced many things, so I don't really blame myself for that, but I definitely think that I'm a little foolish sometimes when I really shouldn't be. I don't think enough about the things that I do sometimes, and I'm not very disciplined in general. I wish that I was, and I hope to become both more mindful and more disciplined over time.

Knowledge. I think that I've at least gotten a little better in this regard, but even at that - I think that I should be attempting to apply the things that I've learnt in school in a more general way more often to really try and reinforce them and to try not to treat them simply as facts to regurgitate, and that I should be trying to learn more on my own in my free time. I've been thinking about trying to improve upon my French recently. Hopefully I make progress with that, even if it takes a long time.

I've been thinking about fairness the most out of any of these values. I'm not confident that I've come to any proper conclusion regarding it just yet. I'm not sure that I'm very good at gauging for myself whenever something is 'fair', in some kind of grey area, and when it is 'unfair.'

Moving on from that, I've been thinking about how different peoples homes - and just places in general, but mainly homes - have distinct smells. (As random as that may seem.)

I love handwriting, and I love nicknames, mainly because they have a uniqueness to them - among other things - that make them seem so interesting. Isn't it interesting that different peoples homes can smell so unique? Obviously, you usually become 'nose blind' to the way your own house smells, and your home is bound to end up smelling of the various things cooked or used or simply that are present inside of it, but I've always loved how different peoples houses smell certain ways (as long as it's not a particularly unpleasant smell, that is) and even how their clothes and other belongings often come to smell the same way.

Now that I think about it, that might sound kind of creepy... I promise that it's not meant to be. I've found that the smells of places like this, especially whenever they're friends or relatives homes, become comforting over time. Some smell like home cooking. Some smell like a specific kind of air freshener. Sometimes you really can't describe the smell. Some don't even really smell of anything.

It's interesting how you can find and associate such distinct smells with places and people and feelings, though. Lots of things can do something similar, like music, foods, et cetera, but I thought that I'd mention this in particular. It's nice.

I'm attempting to draw a cat owned by someone who I'm close to. I want to spend quite a bit of time on it. (And hopefully do the cat justice; they're very cute.) If I'm happy with it, I'll probably put up an image of it here after I'm finished. I should probably mention that I do draw traditionally, though, not digitally. I don't actually think I've spoken much about my art here at all yet.

I've grown tired, so I'll probably stop writing for now and try and read some more of 1984. Goodnight. (Or day.)