Feeling unproductive really sucks.

Entry #4


Hello again. The past few days have been fairly uneventful. I have some thoughts to share, at least.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and overall, I haven't been in a great mood. I've been feeling bored almost constantly, but I haven't seemed to manage to find the energy or motivation to actually get up and do... well, anything. Lots of things have started to feel very dull and uninteresting, and eventually how unproductive I've been being started to bother me a lot.

I suppose I might have been allowing myself to stay in some kind of slump. Regardless, I've decided to plan out my days in the hopes of being more productive as a result. I've found that, at first, I never really like the idea of strict routines or schedules very much at all. They can make tasks or events (even otherwise enjoyable ones) seem like obligations, and I find myself getting bored very easily and not wanting to stick to a routine at all and getting distracted. The sense of accomplishment that I get from following some kind of schedule and feeling productive far outweighs that, though, so hopefully I can stay motivated enough to stick to what I want.

I'm thankful that I have some kind of schedule, no matter how unmotivated I may become, because of school. I don't hate how routine everything is, and it serves as a reminder that I really don't actually hate routine just as much as I seem to think that I do.

Following the schedule that I had set out for myself today, I managed to study for all of my upcoming tests, organise my room, rank up in Splatoon 2, speak to a close friend, eat dinner, and finally, update this journal. It feels nice to actually do the things that I want to. (Maybe that sounds silly, but I really do have a big issue with putting things off and getting sidetracked or disinterested.)

Another thing that I've been thinking about recently is how difficult it seems to be to make new friends. Maybe that seems like a childish or a mundane issue to some, but I digress.

The main thing that seems to make it so difficult in the first place is simply that people don't seem to 'click' very often. It's hard to find someone that you genuinely find interesting and can get along well with, right? Even with this out of the way, first impressions often matter a lot. If a first impression with someone isn't the best, you might find it hard to try and communicate with them. Both in person and online, finding people that you click with is often very hard - but staying in proper contact with them can sometimes be even harder.

Assuming you've managed to stumble upon someone you get along with this well: what happens next? Maintaining a friendship seems almost as (if not even more) difficult. Imagine the following: one of you gets busy; someone loses interest; you second guess yourself or your friendship with this person; maintaining the friendship grows tiring; they worry about something they've said or done and they decide to withdraw themselves from the friendship; things just 'fade.' It's hard, isn't it?

Speaking of someone losing interest - growing bored of someone that you were once really happy about spending time with always seems really unfortunate. (At least, it does to me. I'd imagine most others feel a similar way.) I don’t think that it feels as bad as it does because you’re losing them themselves, necessarily, because at that point you’re already bored of them. You’ll know that it was nice to spend time with them before, though, and you’ll know that losing that was a shame.

I've probably been thinking about this because I've fallen out of proper contact with all of my friends except two classmates and one other person, whom I both met and regularly speak to online. It feels different than what I'm used to, because usually I would spend quite a bit of time speaking to other people online. Maintaining friendships - or simply finding time to speak - became difficult, though, and I think the people that I used to speak to lost interest in doing so, as well.

It's not that I don't appreciate time on my own. It's not that I love large groups of people, or anything of the sort. Situations where I have to speak to multiple people at once (and sometimes just one person) often feel very taxing. It's not that I crave things like that. I just miss meeting interesting people, and making new friends, and spending time with those friends. I'm okay with just being around my family and the people that I currently speak to, but, while it doesn't happen often, whenever I start to feel lonely, it’s really hard to deal with - especially whenever meeting new people seems so difficult. Speaking to interesting people and building friendships with them is one of the things that I find most exciting about life as a whole. Missing out on it seems like a shame, but it feels difficult to actually build these friendships. (Or to find somewhere to start building them from.)

I've found myself looking through some old conversations with people that I've spoken to in the past. Conversations with some of the people that I still speak to now, as well.

It feels like things have changed a lot. I know that things weren't perfect back then, but things were nice. You can't stop things from changing, obviously, and I think that the world would ultimately be a pretty boring place if nothing changed at all. I know that not all change is bad, either. I'll never experience new things and find new things that I like if I don't allow change. Nostalgia is strange, though. Reading through old conversations and looking at old mementos that I keep often makes me feel rather mournful at first.

I've been exploring quite a few sites recently. I love finding interesting ones, and I really like how easy it is to find others sites here on Neocities. I'm glad that I managed to find this platform.

Also, the 'dark text on light background' look on this site was starting to bother me, so I've changed it. Do you prefer it like this? I think that it's nicer, at least.

I don't have anything else that I feel like I need to do today, so I'll probably try and rank up some more in Splatoon 2. I hope that the rest of your day goes well, whoever may be reading. Stay safe.