Sudden repulsion.

Entry #3

04/11/2020

It's been a little while since I've written anything here. I was off on a break from school for a couple of weeks over Halloween, but I've started attending classes again now. Halloween felt off. It didn't feel special or significant at all. I felt like I should have been doing something exciting, but instead, all I did was sit at home. I did call some close friends, though, which was nice. My sleep schedule had become practically nonexistent while I was off, so getting back into a routine has been hard and I've been feeling very tired and lazy recently.

I'm doing a lot of assessments right now, as well, which isn't really helping. I keep finding myself worrying about them no matter how much I study, but thankfully they seem to be going well so far. I'm not sure if I'm even going to end up doing my exams later on in the year. (This is because of the virus.) I don't know if I would even want to. Learning this way has been different and strange. I'm glad that we're attending school in person where I am, for the most part. It's a lot easier to stay motivated and to focus this way.

I haven't been doing a whole lot, honestly. Feeling like I'm being this unproductive has definitely been starting to upset me. I'm watching through The Crown with someome at the moment, and it's been interesting so far. I'm also thinking of reading Coraline, either before or after I finish 1984.


This hasn't happened to me recently, but I thought that I would write a little about it here since I don't think that I've ever spoken to anyone who has told me that they've experienced anything like this, and I'm sure that someone out there has.

Sometimes I find myself really enjoying the time I spend with a certain person. Something along those lines, anyways - we get along really well, they seem really interesting, we talk a lot, things just seem to click, et cetera. Things like that. Everything is going just fine, and then all of a sudden, I can't stand being around them. They start to repulse me. The little things that I had never noticed about them before (or maybe even liked) suddenly seem annoying. They become repulsive. The face that they make when they're angry? Their laugh? The way that they eat? Some of these things might start to repulse me, or simply make me angry.

It doesn't happen to me often, but it's happened a few times. It's very bothersome, because I never seem to be able to wrap my head around why it happens or how to make it go away. Firstly, in a scenario like this, I've completely lost interest in spending time with someone that I had previously become close to - something that I probably used to really enjoy. Secondly, it makes me feel guilty. I don't like hurting people. If someone you cared about simply turned away from you and started avoiding you, it wouldn't feel nice at all, right? That's why I always try to give whoever it is that's become 'repulsive' an explanation, if it feels necessary.

Even then, explaining this to the people that it's happened with has always been particularly unpleasant. It makes me feel terrible. Again, though, it doesn't happen often, and because of that, it very rarely affects my relationships with people. Have you ever experienced anything like this?


As for some more updates on what's been going on regarding me: I've decided to start seeing a therapist again, so I'm hoping that goes well. I don't want to wallow in things. I'm not really sure what will happen with that just yet, but I've contacted them already, and I should hopefully see them soon. I also got a new 'fidget toy' recently, which I've found has helped me focus quite a lot. It's also nice to just have something to mess around with whenever I'm worried or upset. (I got one of these. I recommend them.)

I went shopping for the first time in months. I got new clothes. Stripy shirts are so cool.

I guess that's all for now. Stay safe.